Chauvenistic or Chivarly

“Chauvinistic or Chivalry”


SMASH! BANG! WALLOP! I wished that these had just been sound symbols from a cartoon but instead they were real sounds of a man publicly beating a woman on the street in Istanbul, as pedestrians just walked on by.

It was one of those occasions where I wished I’d never given up Karate at the age of twelve after only four lessons, so I could heroically intervene and stop the one sided beating. Instead I resorted to praying out loud to god: “Where the hell is Mr. Miyagi now? And then of course succumbing to asking the men in my vicinity, to help me, to help her. However, I was not prepared to hear their answer, which was that that it was probably a spouse fight, so there was nothing that they could do. The gasp that flew out of my mouth stunned them as much as my reaction to their unwillingness to act. It was at that point that they realized that I was a foreigner and so added an explanation. What these potential humane beings claimed was that they had no right to help. I was shocked that they could use that word “right” to defend their position. An ironic perception and abuse of the word “right.” But there I was, witness to a cultural law that supports men’s rights to own, possess and do whatever they want with their wives, as opposed to defending the women’s rights from abuse.

After a few seconds the woman arrived by my side and I asked if I could help her in some way. The men, who had been unwilling to help, had the cheek to look at her, upon which she informed them that it was a fight with her husband. They duly responded by nodding knowingly and saying, “Your husband? Oh ok,” like that was supposed to make everything all right.

Within the exchange of those two sentences it became very clear to me that there was a cultural code to this nation that I was completely unaware of. Having not grown up in Turkey, I had different values and beliefs ingrained in me, so I was not given the means to even begin to understand this code; just like they were not given the right to live by my European code.

Regardless of codes, it begged the question: how can something as monstrously outrageous as a public beating from a husband to his wife be culturally accepted in a country that wants to join the EU? It made me see the darker side of chauvinism that I had already been exposed to in smaller, subtler doses, here in Istanbul, but which I had come to accept as part of a macho society where women are second class citizens.

It could be argued that chauvinism at any level is destructive, but what amounts to chauvinism? Is opening the door for a lady chauvinistic behavior, with the presumption that a woman is not strong enough to do it herself? Or is she just far too precious to open a door? Could it be that gesture somehow benefits men, who can look at the women’s arse when she walks ahead of them…Or is it an act of chivalry?

Most women (from varying cultures) at some point in their lives have been guilty of having the desire of being rescued by a gallant prince, and I have seen the most hardened of ladies melt under the charm of a chivalrous gesture from a man. But I wonder in a chauvinistic society at what point chivalry just becomes a cover.

Therefore, the flipside to that horrific cultural code of behavior that I witnessed between the sexes are other cultural codes, which on the surface appear to benefit women but which I question the deeper meaning of. For example in Turkey men are expected to pay for the women and the women allow them that privilege. What is the intrinsic message here? By a man paying for a woman, is he buying her? Or owning her? What is the payback? Is it that in the beginning he gets a kiss? Then sex? And what after that – a woman’s rights? It sounds a little dramatic but these cultural codes feed each other in the power steaks where the man is the T-Bone and the woman the giblets.

In Europe the empowerment of women has led to men relinquishing that “chivalry or chauvinistic” (depending on your view point) gesture of paying for the woman; a rather interesting notion don’t you think?

…So, how much is a black eye worth these days? A starter, main meal, or just a dessert?

Lady Savages

Lady Savages

Lady Savages

Imagine that you are at a bar with your boyfriend and a girl at the opposite end of the bar sizes you up, “Ok” you say to yourself, “that’s expected; it must mean I look hot tonight.” Then she makes eyes at your boyfriend, “Hmmm” you say, at the same time grateful that he ignores her somewhat, so that you are able to accept it as tolerable; you expect it to not go any further. But, then to your utter surprise as you leave, she makes an unexpected maneuver by practically vaulting over the bar like Catwoman and making a leap for your boyfriend, accosting him and requesting his telephone number. And this time your response is “What the f..k! That’s Outrageous.” Now in London the girl would probably be bitch slapped but in my case I was far too shocked by her outlandish maneuver to even raise my hand.

It’s well known that women compare themselves; size each other up and measure through some absurd dimension their level of attractiveness against another woman’s. It’s everywhere but never has it been so apparent to me as it is here in Turkey; where I would be putting it mildly to say that they are like savages.

I tried in vain to understand the Istanbul women: the jealous, competitive, cutthroat, guarded women, who rarely returned my smile or reciprocated my attempt at being courteously friendly; whether it be in a queue at a supermarket; standing at the traffic lights or in the changing rooms stores. Why were they so protective, judgmental and hideously unhidden about it?

I concluded that it was because of two major reasons: firstly these beautiful women are as ferocious as fighting dogs because quite frankly there aren’t that many decent men around (sorry guys but this is a complaint I hear all the time and never from the men about women.) Therefore, the gloves are out, as the women will con, twist, lie, deceive and fight till the bloody end to get their pick before they reach the ripe old age of 30, where they are no longer considered to be of prime quality.

Secondly, in a country with suppressed sexual attitudes, there is an accepted level of adultery, which doesn’t, seem to have diminished since the Ottoman days. Thus, women are under constant threat from each other, and yet it’s a self-perpetuated drama through their acceptance of the male’s presumed egoic and biological need to sow their seed. It amazed me but I found that no matter whether I was talking to a friend from the village or from Turkey’s high society, they were all saying the same thing, which in effect was that: “Men are men, and they are going to f..k around.”

This is not an attitude exclusive to Turkey but sadly a universally coined phrase; however the difference is in the West, men are not excused by it. Turkish women need to wake up to this and rather than being so vile with one and other, they should build on the strength of women’s solidarity.

In my experience there is a stark difference to the way non-Turkish women and Turkish women receive me, and this reminder has popped up time and time again. The most recent example to cite was when I was smiled at by a lady and just knew that she couldn’t be Turkish. Even though she had the look of a striking Turkish beauty, her eyes didn’t dissect me with the sharp edge of Hannibal Lector’s knife. Instead, she was approachable with a welcoming smile and a confidence, which put me at ease. She was an Italian; let me add a beautiful Italian lady in her late 20’s?

It’s a natural human phenomenon that this rivalry amongst same sexes exists, but in my experience there is a certain level of respect, which is missing amongst Turkish women. This observation has also been made by a number of non-Turkish women, and so I wonder if the mere acknowledgement of it perhaps reveals the hidden tendency of all females.

If that is the case, then how different are Turkish chicks to the rest of the females? Under the niceties of our Western upbringing, are we just cloaking the deeper traits of our own savageness by temporally retracting our claws? Or are women in the West really more civilized?

I am not sure of the answer to these questions but I do know that to be on the receiving end of that primordial behavior doesn’t feel nice. However, it’s difficult to change a code of behavior in a culture whose acceptance of it reinforces it. Therefore, what are my options? Do I dare adopt a “If you can’t beat em join em,” policy? Or should I be more mature and Instead of judging the women decide to grow from relinquishing the drama?

I aspire to the second option with the belief that perhaps being amongst the savages is the best place for my human and spiritual development, and with that the humorous thought occurs to me that it’s possible that if I stay in Turkey long enough and surrender my reaction, then I could be that much closer to being on the path to enlightenment… Hmmm, now that is one good reason to completely clip my claws.